WHY AM I SO ATTRACTED TO AVOIDANT PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS?
DIVE DEEP INTO THE INTRICATE DANCE OF ATTACHMENT IN THIS WEEK'S EDITION, WHERE WE SHED LIGHT ON THE MAGNETIC ALLURE BETWEEN ANXIOUS AND AVOIDANT PERSONALITIES. EVER FELT DRAWN TO SOMEONE ONLY TO FEEL BOTH WANTED AND REJECTED? WE EXPLORE THIS FASCINATING PUSH-PULL DYNAMIC, OFFERING INSIGHTS AND ACTIONABLE TIPS TO NAVIGATE THE ROLLER-COASTER OF EMOTIONS. PLUS, WE INTRODUCE A REVELATION THAT COULD CHANGE HOW YOU VIEW YOUR OWN ATTACHMENT STYLE.
Today, we dive into the magnetic pull between those with anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Like fire and ice, these two seemingly opposite styles can find themselves irresistibly drawn to each other. But what does this dance truly feel like, and how can we navigate the complexities that come with it? Let's explore.
The Magnetic Allure Between the Anxious and the Avoidant:
The anxious and avoidant attachment styles can seem like opposing ends of the relationship spectrum, yet they often find themselves irresistibly drawn to each other. This magnetic pull stems from a curious balance of familiarity and intrigue. The anxious individual sees in the avoidant a challenge, a puzzle to be solved, and an opportunity to provide the love they believe the avoidant is missing. In contrast, the avoidant is often drawn to the warmth, intensity, and care that the anxious partner offers, qualities they often keep at bay. This dynamic creates a cyclical pattern of pursuit and retreat, mimicking early experiences of both parties — the avoidant’s need for independence and the anxious person’s longing for connection.
The Anxious Experience: Dancing with the Avoidant
When you're anxiously attached and find yourself dating someone avoidantly attached, it might feel as if you're on an emotional roller coaster. One moment, you're basking in the warmth of closeness, and the next, you're met with cold detachment.
Being with an avoidant can also sometimes feel like being in a room full of mirrors, reflecting one's deepest insecurities and vulnerabilities. The fear of abandonment and the craving for closeness dominate your relationship experiences. There's a perpetual desire for reassurance, which often meets the avoidant partner's wall of resistance. It feels like a dance, with one continually advancing and the other retreating, creating a whirlwind of confusion, frustration, and, at times, heartache.
To help guide you through this complex dance, here are six tips to consider:
Self-awareness: Recognise and understand your own triggers. When do you feel most anxious? Identifying these can help you react more mindfully.
Communicate openly: Instead of assuming or mind-reading, ask your partner about their feelings and needs. Use 'I' statements to express your own.
Maintain your independence: Foster your own hobbies, interests, and friendships. Cultivating your own life will not only enrich you but also create a healthier dynamic in your relationship.
Respect boundaries: Pushing an avoidant partner can lead to more withdrawal. Understand their need for space and create a mutual understanding about it.
Empathy, not sympathy: Understand that their behaviour isn't necessarily a reflection of your worth, but a result of their past experiences and fears. Offering empathy means you're trying to understand their world, not pitying or resenting them for it.
Patience is key: Changing patterns takes time. Celebrate small moments of connection and progress.
Reality Check:
It might be tempting to cast the avoidant partner as the 'culprit' in this dance. But here's a revelation: If you find yourself consistently drawn to emotionally unavailable individuals, could it be that you're also avoidantly attached, just masked differently?
While you might seem like the emotionally available one, continuously chasing or enduring unavailable partners might suggest that you're equally fearful of real intimacy. The continuous chase, the agonising over unreturned texts, and putting up with aloofness can be a disguised form of avoidance, where the pursuit itself prevents a deep connection. By chasing the unavailable, you may be steering clear of individuals who are ready and willing to offer you the emotional closeness that, deep down, might frighten you.
In the end, the dance of attachment is intricate and multi-layered. Understanding, patience, and self-awareness are pivotal in navigating this journey. Whether you're anxious, avoidant, or a mix of both, recognising patterns is the first step to transformation.
Until next week!
Nicole is a certified trauma-informed dating and relationship coach who specialises in helping people navigate the complex world of modern love and dating as well as attract and cultivate healthy relationships. Her areas of focus include mindset, attachment, trauma, relationship patterning, inner child and abandonment wounds, communication, conflict management, trust issues, confidence, co-dependency, boundary work, breakups, and infidelity.
