HOW DO I STOP FALLING FOR THE SPARK?

18 Apr

THIS WEEK'S NEWSLETTER DELVES INTO THE CONCEPT OF THE "SPARK" IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS. THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE AND IT'S LIKE FIREWORKS EXPLODING IN YOUR HEART. EXCITING, RIGHT? BUT HERE'S THE TWIST – THAT SPARK MIGHT NOT BE ALL IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE.

COULD IT BE A WARNING SIGNAL, LUST IN DISGUISE, OR EVEN A PROJECTION OF WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE? FIND OUT HOW TO RECOGNISE WHAT'S REALLY BEHIND THAT SPARK AND HOW TO CULTIVATE A LOVE THAT BURNS SLOW, STEADY, AND STRONG.

Imagine meeting someone and BAM! It's like a jolt of electricity surging through your veins, an attraction so instant and intense that it feels cosmic. That's the spark. It's your hormones going wild, convincing you that you've found 'the one.'

The spark is intoxicating. It might burn hot, but it can also burn out just as quickly, leaving you with nothing but ashes. Let's deep-dive into why the notorious spark might not be the Romeo to your Juliet and why a slow burn may actually be your forever flame.

1. The spark – What is it?
It’s that instantaneous, out-of-the-movies, fireworks kind of chemistry. It’s when you meet someone and suddenly you’re thinking of the names for your future kids. You're walking on clouds, hearing orchestras in the background. It's exciting, but it's also fleeting.

Often, we associate it with something magical and exciting, like the universe aligning to tell us, "This is the one!" But let's flip that romantic notion on its head for a moment and delve into the complex web of our nervous system, lust, and projection.

Nervous system recognising danger: Sometimes, that immediate jolt or spark might actually be your body's way of signaling that something is off. It's akin to a fight-or-flight response. Your nervous system detects something about the other person that might not be healthy or safe for you. This could manifest as a strong attraction or intrigue, but it's actually your body's way of drawing your attention to something that needs to be assessed. It's like an alarm bell, not necessarily saying "Run!" but perhaps cautioning, "Take a closer look here."
Lust, not love: Lust is powerful and can feel a lot like that famed spark. It's an intense sexual attraction that can make us feel alive and electric. But lust is about immediate gratification and physical desire. It's surface-level and doesn't consider long-term compatibility, shared values, or emotional connection. If the spark doesn't evolve into something deeper, it might just be lust wearing love's mask.
Projection: The illusionist's trick: Projection is when we assign our feelings, desires, or unresolved issues onto another person. The spark might be a manifestation of this psychological phenomenon. Perhaps you see in this person something you deeply desire or something you lack. The strong pull or connection you feel might actually be a projection of your inner world. It's like seeing an illusion of what you want them to be rather than who they truly are.

2. The danger zone: Why trusting the spark can burn you
Here's the deal. The spark? It's basically a shot of biochemical intoxication – a cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters. Essentially, you're drunk on feelings. Drunk people make questionable decisions (remember that unicorn tattoo?). Likewise, when we’re high on the spark, we may overlook major red flags. Just like you can't live on tequila shots, you can't build a relationship on just sparks.

3. What does healthy love look like, anyway?
Real love isn't necessarily an immediate whirlwind. It’s more like a finely aged wine. It's built on mutual respect, trust, and shared values. It’s laughing at inside jokes, being there during the lows, and cheering during the highs. It might not make you lose your mind, but it'll make you find your heart. It's a bond that grows deeper with time, not something that fades away.

4. Slow burn > fast burn.
Think about it. A bonfire might be flashy, but it goes out as quickly as it started, leaving ashes behind. A slow-burning candle? It illuminates for hours, providing warmth and ambiance. Slow-burning relationships allow for growth, understanding, and depth. They might not have that initial explosion, but they're the ones that endure.

5. 6 tips to stop falling for that deceptive spark:

Value substance over surface: Sparks are often superficial. Dive deeper. What values does this person have? Are they kind, trustworthy, and dependable?
Pause & reflect: When you feel that instant chemistry, take a step back. Let your brain catch up with your heart (and hormones).
Give it time: Let things simmer. Get to know them over time, not just over a single electrifying night.
Seek a second opinion: Sometimes other people see things we don’t, especially when we’re "spark-drunk."
Get real: Stop romanticising and idealising potential partners. See them for who they really are and not what you want them to be.
Know yourself: Recognise your patterns. If you always chase the spark and end up burned, remember the past and choose a different path.

Bottom Line?
So, here's the raw truth: The spark is tempting, alluring, and downright thrilling. But it's also a gamble. Betting on a slow burn might feel less exciting at first but if you're always chasing sparks, you might just end up playing with fire. Give the slow burn a chance, and you just might find a love that keeps you warm for a lifetime.

Until next week!

Nicole is a certified trauma-informed dating and relationship coach who specialises in helping people navigate the complex world of modern love and dating as well as attract and cultivate healthy relationships. Her areas of focus include mindset, attachment, trauma, relationship patterning, inner child and abandonment wounds, communication, conflict management, trust issues, confidence, co-dependency, boundary work, breakups, and infidelity.

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